


Party Time

by wxandwaves



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Destroy Ending, Everybody Lives, F/M, Post-Canon, Spacer (Mass Effect)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-11 10:02:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20544326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wxandwaves/pseuds/wxandwaves
Summary: Following the events of London, Shepard and Kaidan have adjusted to life in Vancouver reasonably well. Kaidan is running his biotic spec ops unit while Shepard runs the N7 program, and everything is great because nobody from the Normandy died in London when the Reapers were destroyed. Yes, now that things have finally calmed down, Shepard and Kaidan are about to get married in two days, so everyone is taking them out for one last party.After all, what could possibly go wrong during shore leave?





	Party Time

**Author's Note:**

> A quick one shot because I just binged the entire Mass Effect trilogy again and I'm still not over it.

When they had made the announcement that they were getting married and Vega responded within 0.5 seconds with the word ‘PARTY’, Kaidan had a sneaking suspicion that something like this was going to happen. When he made Joker his best man without thinking this through, Shepard told him as much. When Joker, Garrus, Vega, Wrex, Grunt, Zaeed, Jacob, and Cortez appeared at their condo with more alcohol than half the galaxy combined, Kaidan found his suspicions confirmed.

“Oh boy,” said Kaidan as he stood in the doorway.

“I told you this would happen!” called Shepard from upstairs.

“What’s Shepard doing here? I thought this was a human tradition for men of the species,” said Wrex.

“A Bachelor party? Uh, yeah it is. We get Kaidan wasted, go to a few strip clubs—” began Joker.

“What? No. None of that,” said Kaidan.

“Oh, come _on, _Kaidan,” complained Joker.

“No, no, I’m with the groom on this,” said Jacob.

“So am I!” called Shepard from upstairs.

“Shouldn’t you be elsewhere right now, Lola?” called Vega upstairs.

“She’s on her way out soon,” said Kaidan.

“No, but come on, Kaidan. A trip to a strip club is a staple of all bachelor parties everywhere,” insisted Joker.

“The only person I want to see that much of is the one I’m marrying,” said Kaidan.

“Good answer,” said Shepard as she descended the stairs. She wore a short white shift dress, gold heels, and her hair down with a slight curl.

“Hot damn, Lola. No wonder L2 wants to stay home,” said Vega.

“My eyes are up here, Vega,” said Shepard.

“Heading out?” asked Kaidan.

“Yep. Try not to do anything too stupid, or let these guys do anything so stupid that you miss the wedding,” said Shepard. She looked at the rest of them. “Anything happens to him and you’re all dead to me.” They all began to protest, but Shepard cut them off. “Except you, Grunt. Never change. And you, Cortez; one of you has to be the responsible adult, and it’s not going to be the rest of them.”

“Message me when you get there so I know you’re safe,” said Kaidan.

“Will do,” said Shepard. With that, she kissed Kaidan briefly and left. 

“Hot damn, L2,” said Vega.

“Tali told me that their plan for the night is to see how many drinks it takes Shepard’s dancing to improve. Operating theory is that it requires enough ryncol to give a krogan alcohol poisoning,” said Garrus.

“Oh _good_,” said Kaidan.

“Come on, Kaidan. We got booze and we got poker. Let’s get wasted,” said Joker. 

\--- 

The club was alive with activity when Shepard arrived that evening. Her friends were already there waiting. Liara, Tali, Jack, Miranda, Kasumi, EDI, Samara, and Traynor had all jumped at the chance to take Shepard out. For once, they had her at their disposal off duty and no responsibilities. And they were going to take advantage.

“Shepard! Look at you, all primped. Did the cheerleader do your hair?” said Jack.

“I do own something clothes that aren’t Alliance issue, you know,” said Shepard.

“All right, Shepard. As per human bachelorette party customs, it is my duty as maid of honor to see you highly intoxicated and have as much fun as possible prior to your wedding, and so that is the plan for the evening,” said Liara as she handed Shepard a drink.

“We wanted to hire a male stripper for you, but maid of honor over here put her foot down,” said Jack.

“This is meant to be fun for _Shepard_, and that did not seem to be something she would enjoy,” said Liara.

“My vote is still that we get trashed and then go through the combat simulator,” said Jack.

“A nice heist would be fun,” said Kasumi.

“For the last time, no one is breaking the law tonight,” said Liara.

“That you know of,” said Kasumi.

“It is my understanding that such customs are a celebration of sisterhood prior to Shepard taking a bond mate, so our activities for the evening should reflect this,” said Samara.

“So, getting you wine drunk seemed a much more appropriate alternative, Shepard,” said Miranda.

“Maybe if you get drunk enough, your dancing might even improve,” slurred Tali. She was already drunk.

“Come on, Commander. Live a little,” said Traynor.

“Dancing can also be an excellent form of stress for organic life, even when poorly executed,” said EDI.

“Let’s dance!” exclaimed Tali as she dragged Shepard onto the dancefloor.

It was a solid hour and a half of drinking and dancing later that they all sat at a table in the club surrounded by bottles of hard liquor and snacks when everyone began to properly take advantage of drunk Shepard. And not in the same way as that one guy had tried to take advantage of drunk Shepard. He was presently nursing a bloody nose somewhere.

“So, Shep, fall through any fish tanks lately?” asked Kasumi.

“Thankfully, no. For once, I go to work, train N7 recruits, go home, and relax at the end of the day with the love of my life and no one tries to kill me for a change,” said Shepard.

“Should have known that the Queen of the Girl Scouts would marry the L2 boy scout and be boring about it,” said Jack.

Shepard made a face at her.

“_Please_, they’ve been drooling over each other since we were on the SR-1,” said Tali.

“Indeed. Kaidan was not nearly as subtle about it as he thought he was,” agreed Liara.

“Who was subtle? Their pheromones were shouting it the whole time. The only people who didn’t know were the humans, and they were all too busy being scared of Shepard to notice,” said Tali.

“Thanks guys,” said Shepard dully.

“I still think we should have kicked the boy scout’s ass on Horizon,” said Jack.

“He was probably just upset that we fixed the defense towers in a manner of minutes when he’d been working on it for weeks with no progress,” said Miranda.

“It’s because he uses the logic arrest omni-tool model. It overloads the processes when running more than one complex protocol,” said Tali.

“Hey, hey, I’m about to marry this guy, so let’s lay off him, okay?” said Shepard.

“Following the events of Horizon, you spent the following three nights crying yourself to sleep and stared wistfully at his picture until the Normandy was turned over to Alliance custody,” said EDI.

“Don’t _tell _people that!” exclaimed Shepard.

“You bemoaned your situation quite loudly in the Captain’s Cabin and reread his letter to you seventeen times. If not me, then you were either speaking to the fish or your hamster, neither of which had adequate sentience to provide emotional support for the trauma of regaining life and losing the object of your affection,” said EDI.

Shepard groaned.

“Well, at least I know I’m not the only one who said embarrassing things while EDI was listening now,” said Traynor.

“That would explain the melancholy that suffused you at the time,” said Samara.

“Things did become rather…tense between you on Mars,” said Liara.

“We were having a rough day,” said Shepard.

“No shit, Shepard,” said Jack.

“He came to his senses eventually. That’s what really matters,” said Miranda.

“He did indeed become very capable through the years,” said Liara.

“And he’s got a nice ass,” said Jack.

Shepard looked at her.

“What? I have eyes, and your biotic boy scout is easy on them,” said Jack.

“Should your union produce children as a result, they will undoubtedly be biotic. His experience with teaching biotics in the Alliance will prove useful in this context,” said Samara. “I understand that even with his flawed implant, he has managed to learn how to Reave. It is impressive in a human.”

“_Please_ send your little biotic terrors to Grissom Academy so I can tell them how embarrassing you are,” said Jack.

“Do _not _allow them to grow up thinking that a _logic arrest _tool is superior to a nexus model, Shepard. It is child abuse,” declared Tali.

“I’ve always been partial to the savant model,” said Miranda.

This devolved into an in-depth debate over omni-tool models between most everyone at the table. It got rather heated. So heated, in fact, that a group of marines nearby came over to investigate and take part.

“Wait, I’m sorry, what are you girls hacking? A shopping kiosk?” scoffed one of the marines.

The table all looked at him.

“_Excuuuuuuse me?_” said Tali.

“Is he serious?” said Traynor.

“Unfortunately, I believe he is,” said Liara distastefully.

“Clearly, he doesn’t know who we are,” said Miranda.

“Hey, fuckface, this is Commander Shepard and the crew of the Normandy. We were hacking geth, Cerberus turrets, and Reaper tech while you shits were pissing your pants over cannibals and a bit of dirt,” said Jack.

“_Right_, yeah, you’re Commander Shepard and the crew of the Normandy, and we’re the Council,” said another one of the marines.

“No, really, this is Commander Shepard,” said Traynor as she gestured to Shepard.

“She’s marrying the other human spectre in two days,” said Miranda.

“You’re not Commander Shepard,” scoffed the marine.

She pulled out her N7 dog tags. “You’re right; these are just a fashion statement.”

“Can I hijack your spectre authorization and kill these idiots?” asked Jack.

“That would be an abuse of power,” said Shepard.

Samara ignored this and chose instead to Lift the marines.

“This better not make paperwork for me,” said Shepard tiredly. It was times like this when she wondered how it was that her friends were so weird and what exactly that said about her.

“You’re being too gentle,” said Jack.

“Where’s Wrex when you need him?” said Tali.

Shepard shook her head and got up to get more drinks.

She did not come back. 

\---

“Another royal flush? You’re cheating, turian,” accused Zaeed.

“This isn’t cheating, it’s just raw skill,” said Garrus smugly. He’d won four hands of poker in a row now.

“Scars, you gotta be cheating man,” said Vega.

“Oh shit,” said Joker as he glanced at his omni-tool.

“I know. A krogan losing to a turian is just insulting,” said Wrex.

Joker reread the message from EDI. _We have misplaced Shepard. Do not tell Kaidan. _

“It’s those scars. It gives him a better poker face,” said Jacob.

“Still not as bad as the time I took on the Vorcha mafia in a holo-poker tournament,” said Kaidan.

“_What_?” said Zaeed.

“They were scamming people out of credits, so I hacked into their systems and took back 5000 credits before they caught onto me. I still don’t think I’m allowed back on Omega after that,” said Kaidan.

“You’re not missing much,” said Garrus.

“Shepard know about that?” asked Cortez in amusement.

“Of course,” said Kaidan.

“You know what we need? More beer,” said Joker. He needed to keep conversation away from Shepard, especially when she was missing. And keep everyone drunk. That would help.

“Damn straight, we do,” said Vega. “Time to see if biotics really glow blue if you get enough alcohol in them.”

\--- 

It had taken entirely too long to figure out that Shepard was missing. Once they had, they’d searched the entire club, messaged her a dozen times, and eventually resorted to using the club’s security footage to track her movements. The problem with this method was that whoever had taken Shepard—and clearly someone had—had erased any and all evidence of Shepard ever having been there from the footage, and so they had to resort to more indirect methods. Luckily, they had EDI with them, so they were able to track her omni-tool signature to a florist downtown.

And so, the party headed to the florist. When they got there, the building had been shot to hell, with all of the windows blown out and flowers everywhere. The Vancouver police were already there trying to piece together what had happened. It had taken their combined authority to be allowed access to the crime scene so that they might uncover what happened to Shepard.

“As many as fifteen armed assailants attacked the flower shop. The lack of blood in Shepard’s blood type suggests that she was uninjured in the fight, at least in a way that would have resulted in a significant form of trauma. She may have sustained other injuries, however, which did not result in excessive bleeding,” said EDI as she scanned the area.

“It’s those stupid fucking marines’ fault. They picked a fight with the wrong people and we got distracted,” ranted Jack as she shoved over a vase angrily. This got her yelled at by a police officer, who she promptly flipped off.

“Oh, Shepard. You really can’t go even a day without someone trying to kill you,” sighed Liara.

“She is capable. I doubt she was significantly injured in the assault,” said Samara.

“Leave it to Shep to be the least subtle person on Earth,” said Kasumi.

“I found it! I found her omni-tool!” exclaimed Traynor from the wreckage of the front counter.

Tali gasped. “A _savant_? That traitor!”

Miranda took the omni-tool from Traynor and opened it. “Now let’s see if we can figure out where she was going.”

Tali grabbed the omni-tool, muttering about processing power as she did. “She uses a savant? I thought I taught her better.”

“Objectively speaking, the savant model omni-tool has superior processing power than any other model on the market today. Commander Shepard was issued this model by the Alliance following her recovery from events in London, as it is standard issue for all N7 operatives,” explained EDI.

The tech-inclined people all balked at her. Miranda seemed smug.

“You guys are all nerds,” said Jack.

EDI scanned Shepard’s omni-tool. “The majority of Shepard’s most recent messages are regarding either wedding preparations or are of a domestic or amiable nature from Kaidan. The most recent messages are from members of our party inquiring after her location, but there is one message that is apparently from the florist for her wedding that briefly details complications with an order of roses. Given that this location is the address is the florist, it is likely that whoever kidnapped her used it as a ruse to lure her to a secondary location. Additionally, the omni-tool itself contains traces of a sedative gas that would have rendered the wearer unconscious, which suggests how her captors were able to apprehend Shepard even given her biotic capabilities.”

“Great, so who took her?” asked Traynor.

“And can we kick their asses?” said Jack.

“What do you mean ‘can we’? There is no question of ability here,” said Miranda.

“We could always sneak into their base and retrieve her that way,” said Kasumi.

“Does this mean that there won’t be flowers for the wedding? Oh dear, Admiral Shepard will be in quite a state,” said Liara.

“EDI, can you trace the origin of the message?” asked Miranda.

“The sender appears to have used several proxy servers and VPNs in order to send the message. I am tracing it now,” said EDI.

“Who would want to kidnap Shepard?” said Traynor.

“Who wouldn’t? Girl’s got more enemies than the entire galaxy combined,” said Jack.

“Mercenaries, former Cerberus agents, every Batarian in the galaxy, anyone who knew anyone on the Citadel,” listed off Tali.

“None of that is helping right now,” said Liara.

“Whoever they were, they clearly had this planned in advance. The security footage, the fake florist message—this is like the clone all over again,” said Tali.

“Cerberus only made one clone of Shepard, so it’s not that,” said Miranda. 

“The signal used to transmit the false message to Shepard’s omni-tool and lure her here appears to have originated from a construction site in downtown Vancouver. Blueprints of the area suggest that one of the local towers is where Shepard is most likely being held,” said EDI.

“We should depart immediately,” said Samara.

“Any idea who’s behind this?” asked Traynor.

“Someone who really loves convoluted plans almost as much as Shepard hates them,” said Liara.

\---

Shepard blinked awake and winced at the crippling headache she had. Whether from the drugs they’d hit her with or from an early onset hangover, she wasn’t entirely positive, but she knew that she was never going to get her deposit back from the florist. At least they were getting married at the Orchard so there would be plenty of cherry blossoms to make up for it. Maybe Liara could pull some Shadow Broker strings to fix things.

She stopped contemplating floral arrangements long enough to take in her surroundings. She was tied to a chair beneath a dramatic single spotlight in the center of a plush apartment’s living room. The windows on the far wall were modest but provided a decent view of the Vancouver skyline and the bay. Two points of entry via the elevator and staircase, respectively. Open floor plan, no obvious side rooms. Lots of ugly throw pillows.

The elevator doors opened to reveal a salarian, a hanar, and a human. The trio approached Shepard, with the hanar somehow being the one in charge.

“Commander Shepard. This one has been waiting many months for this opportunity,” said the hanar.

“You know I’m a spectre, right? Do you really think you’ve won just because I’m tied to a chair and am wearing heels?” said Shepard.

“This one knows of your claims. This one is a true spectre and does not like sharing top billing. This one lost out on profits from _Blasto 7 _when Commander Shepard destroyed the Citadel and vids were made of her story,” said the hanar—Blasto.

Shepard groaned. “Oh god, this is worse than the fish tank.”

“We lost 250 million credits in _Blasto 7 _sales because of the timing of your destroying the Citadel! Because of you, the studio canceled _Blasto 8: Cures the Genophage_!” exclaimed the salarian—the director.

Shepard could not believe that this was how her night was turning out.

“Me and my boys were promised a significant payday for _Blasto 8_ to be soldiers. Instead, it got cancelled and my boys and I didn’t get paid,” said the human, the leader of the mercs who’s kidnapped Shepard.

“This one is the only true spectre. This one will make Commander Shepard regret what she has done,” said Blasto.

“You big, stupid jellyfish! Do you have _any _idea what kind of mistake you just made?” said Shepard.

“This one does not make mistakes,” said Blasto.

“Being a spectre is more than just saving the day and getting famous, not that you’d know that,” said Shepard. “At least half of why I’ve been so successful is because of the people around me. And right now, I have a really good feeling that you’re about to meet some of them.”

Shepard relaxed into her chair and just let Blasto rant at her. For once, it was kind of nice not to have to be the one doing the rescuing. Yeah, let her friends rescue _her _for once and instead of her having to pull all of their asses out of the fire. It was so much less work to be the one getting rescued.

\---

“A high-rise under construction full of mercs? Some things never change,” said Jack as she Threw a mercenary off of a balcony in yet another atrium.

“This reminds me of when we recruited Thane on Illium,” said Miranda.

“Indeed,” said Samara.

“Not enough terrified salarians,” said Kasumi.

“Or killer robots,” said Tali.

“I am right here,” said EDI.

“Good enough,” allowed Tali.

The building seemed to be 50% atriums with mercenaries making dramatic stands against them. The fact that the elevators only traveled five floors at a time due to the building’s peculiarly shaped architecture was really beginning to annoy. Not that this had stopped the squad from having fun with this. No number of dramatic monologues could detract from the pure biotic craziness of Jack, Liara, and Samara working _together_ while Tali and EDI used drones and decoys to distract and attack the mercenaries, Kasumi surprised the enemy from the shadows, and Miranda picked off the rest with a combination of biotics and tech, shouting orders the whole way. Traynor had driven them there. She was okay with waiting in the car.

The enemy didn’t stand a chance.

By the time Team Normandy had reached the penthouse, they’d left a trail of dead mercenaries in their wake and were ready and prepared to confront whatever grand villain it was that had _dared _to kidnap their Commander Shepard. They’d had to cram into the one elevator up to the penthouse from ten floors below. This one had music and crawled at a snail’s pace, much to the horror of both Tali and Liara, who felt it reminded them entirely too much of when Shepard used to drag them around the Citadel. 

When the doors slid open to the penthouse, the crew was faced with the dramatic scene of Blasto, the director, head merc, and two dozen mercs all arranged around the penthouse living room with Shepard still tied to a chair somewhere behind Blasto and his associates.

“This one has been expecting you,” said Blasto.

“You’re shitting me,” said Jack.

“We’ve already taken out the rest of your mercs. Release the commander and this doesn’t have to end badly for you,” said Miranda.

“Speak for yourself,” said Tali.

“Release the commander and we might not let the Justicar have you,” said Liara.

“Might,” said Samara.

“Big mistake capturing the first human spectre,” said Tali.

“This one is the only true spectre. This one has seven vids and would have had eight if Commander Shepard had not ruined the profits of the seventh,” said Blasto.

“You’re _shitting_ me,” said Jack.

“_Blasto_?” exclaimed Tali.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” said Miranda.

“This one refuses to share the spotlight with Commander Shepard. This one is the only _true _spectre. There can only be…_one_,” declared Blasto.

With that, the mercs, Blasto, and the director attacked, and the living room became the scene of complete and utter chaos. Bullets and biotics whizzed through the air and Shepard barely made it out of her restraints in one piece before Kasumi appeared and dragged Shepard into cover.

“How’re you doing, Shep?” asked Kasumi.

“Have I mentioned that I hate the _Blasto _series?” said Shepard.

In seemingly no time at all, the crew had the mercs defeated and both the director and Blasto at gunpoint.

“End of the line for you two,” said Miranda.

“I can work with this. Wrongfully accused by a rogue spectre, our hero must escape the foul clutches of the human justice system to save the galaxy once more in _Blasto 9: Blasto Goes to Jail_,” exclaimed the director.

“This one will not share top billing in this new vid,” declared Blasto, seemingly unperturbed by the going to jail part.

“Fucking jellyfish,” said Jack.

“There is no reason to allow them to live,” said Samara.

Liara rushed to Shepard as she was brushing off her dress. “Are you all right, Shepard? No injuries?”

“The only thing wounded is my pride,” said Shepard.

“First the sushi restaurant, then kidnapped by a jellyfish—what is it with you and marine life, Shepard?” said Miranda. 

Shepard sighed heavily. “I knew this was coming. I’ll never live this down, will I?”

“Not likely,” said Liara.

“Well, at least this was fun. Looks like you know how to throw a bachelorette party after all, Liara,” said Jack.

“Thanks guys. I don’t suppose anyone found my omni-tool on your way here?” asked Shepard.

Tali tossed it to her. “Why are you using a savant, Shepard?”

“Honestly, I don’t know the difference,” said Shepard.

Tali gasped in horror.

As they waited for Vancouver PD to arrive, Shepard turned to Liara. “I don’t suppose you know of any emergency florists in the area?”

“I will look into the matter,” said Liara.

\--- 

It was nearly midnight when Shepard and the girls arrived back at her condo after dealing with the police. None of them felt it prudent to return to a club, so the plan was to relax at Shepard’s place instead, already present bachelor party be damned.

Shepard barely opened the door before Vega called from the dining room. “Sweet, is it the pizza guy?”

“Why would a pizza delivery person have access to my house?” said Shepard.

“No! What are you guys doing here? Shouldn’t you be getting hit on by strangers at a club right now?” said Joker.

“Shepard’s back? No!” said Garrus.

“Really feeling the love here, guys,” said Shepard.

“Did they bring more booze? Because I think we need more,” said Wrex.

As the rest of the group headed towards the bar, Shepard briefly stopped by the dining room turned poker table that was strewn with various containers of alcohol and food. Jacob and Kaidan were both faintly glowing blue with biotics.

Kaidan turned in his chair and fixed Shepard with a hazy smile. “Hey, what are you doing back so soon? Thought you’d be out until sunrise.”

“_Blasto _happened. Long story. In other news, we need a new florist, but Liara’s working on it,” said Shepard as she strolled over to them and leaned on the back of Kaidan’s chair with one hand.

His brow furrowed as he looked her over, taking in the already-apparent bruises and stains on her dress. “What happened?”

“Oh, you know,” said Shepard as she waved her other hand vaguely. “Got kidnapped by mercs who shot up our florist’s store front that turned out to be working for Blasto because I ruined their _Blasto 7 _profits.”

Kaidan looked at her. “What?”

“The big stupid jellyfish, yeah. It’s been a long night,” said Shepard as she wandered off back towards the bar in the other room.

“Wait, _what_?” said Kaidan as he got up and trailed after her.

“We went to the wrong party,” said Grunt.

Wrex looked at Joker. “How ‘come there were no mercs at _this _party? I could go for a good explosion right about now.”

From the other room, they could hear Tali exclaim, “A savant, Kaidan! I thought you were supposed to love this woman and you let her use _that_?”


End file.
